Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Haiku First

Would this poem meet the aspiration of a haiku? There is kigo, the season element with the approach of winter. The moras, 17 in all. For this time numberings are included for me to be able to be reminded ( but not for subsequent ones ). I wonder if kireji also is met where there is a contrast shown between drab London and sunny Langkawi. I'm still not quite clear on the kireji element. Anyway, here goes!

The Smog

Dreaded London smog 5
Dark, wet, tunnel like, pitch-black 7
Left us all agog 5

Hark! apparitions 5
Prancing low in the shadows 7
Are you not concerned? 5

Must stop, venture not 5
Eerie, frightful , hair on ends 7
Winter’s sneaking in! 5

Let me see the sun 5
Where is it in abundance ? 7
- Langkawi , my friend! 5


kaykuala said...

Dear Pakcik,
I'm into poetry now and loving it. Your touching the switch on my buddy OP Halim ( in comments at my last posting ) has not seen a response yet. Maybe OP Halim has not seen it as he had already made a prior comment before yours. An email prompt from me to OP Halim maybe?

ninotaziz said...

i am sure you now see how the ancient time proven poetry forms immediately elevate the quality of poetry. Your haikus are lovely - and at this rate you won't be needing me soon!

Having said that, your earlier poems especially that of the bird and Kashmir were excellent - the emotional attachment also gives the poem depth and feel.

Btw, nobody writes off the cuff. Poetry needs to be reworked, edited, finetuned. Even Shakespeare had to constantly rework, do not fret that you have to rewrite, it's a mistake a lot of writers and poets make - an onset refusal to edit their work.

While you venture into all new forms, i'd like to share a secret. All poetry forms deal with form. The haiku and our own pantun are foremost examples of poetry of 'feel'. And of the two, the pantun is of 'higher requirement' because of the requirement of metaphor, sound and feel - pembayang. This is one heritage we do not share with any other neighbour - the pantun melayu and pantun baba nyonya. And yet it remains obscure. How can food be more interesting than poetry. Is the famous fish and chips more famous than shakespeare's sonnets?

All my life i loved poetry but only now i learn to appreciate pantun in its highest form. I hope Malaysians will oneday return to pantun.

Now, I must learn from Pakcik and know where to stop.

kaykuala said...

Dear Ninotaziz Ma'am,
I never for one moment could have thought I would venture into poems. It is a lot of fun now. Even though the internet made it so your guiding light from day 1 is heaven-sent. Merci, double merci. From this day on,

1). your blogs and the 'prompts' would be the first items on my menu everyday. You will see it as I'll be making comments. My only concern is that you are too prolific to keep pace with that invariably I may miss some. No, I will try not to, as I'll jumpstart my learning curve by faithfully digesting poems everyday. Yes, I'll do that.

2). to remember revisits. It is true. I had changed some words when I went back to them before this, not realising it is the thing to do.

3). Can pantuns be in English? I know it is silly to ask but I write better in English, that's why. I dread my BM vocab. May take some while to switch.

P/S You had picked out Capistrano ( in the bird poem ) which I should have responded before. We were in Capistrano way back in 1981 ( My loving wife, Shadah, my darling daughter Adura , 9 then, and Hafidz boy at 4 yrs). We were travelling by coach from LA to the Sea World in San Diego. The stopover would you believe it was Capistrano, about half-way. Even though the town looked empty except for tourists from the other coaches, it was still a thrill. Looked like those Mexican townships in the western movies but a lot of flowers, though. How nostalgic. I know what you mean! ( No swallows then. Apparently they came once a year and we missed them by a few months ).

kaykuala said...

Dear Ma'am,
I'm just through with barely a handful. Your guiding light is very essential, more so now. It is getting more technical. Please stay on as long as light is up there in the heavens and water and earth down below to whet our souls! Merci, merci!.

ninotaziz said...

Dear Sir Hank,
i have been writing poetry in English for about 24 years - less my unproductive years. Pantun only for two years, and still I crawl. Even my poetry in french seems to take flight faster. This is simply because pantun is sooooo hard to do well.

So take your time. No, pantun is in bahasa. But you can use its basic form an feel to help create poetry with depth.

kaykuala said...

Dear Ninotaziz Ma'am,
Yes, I think I'll concentrate on blogosphere first. There's so much ro know and to learn. Pantun would have to wait a little.

Al-Manar said...

Our OP Halim has not been updating his blog. I feel concerned and hope all is well. But if he is taking time off to do all this Haiku, Haimu, Haitun, Haitunku things then it is well and good.

I am fairly certain, given a year, you will be thinking of compiling your work into book. Ninoaziz must have had hers published. I will get them when I know. Then, in time, I will get yours too. Then it will cost me more than just five cents. I will pass my songkok round my Almanar.

Keep Haikuing my friend.

abdulhalimshah said...

Dear Hank,
I am not at writing poems in English and I prefer the pantun. Here follows:-

Tanam Pinang Rapat Rapat
Supaya Senang burung berlaga
Teman Setia sukar didapat
Hubungan baik sentiasa dijaga

Rumah kampong ditepi sawah
Daun gugur diatas laman
Kawan lama janganlah marah
Jika lambat menulis komen

I think my pantuns do not come like what you seemed to have caught on.

kaykuala said...

Dear Pakcik,
I'm only through with a handful. I hope to just carry on when the going is still hot. I've a lot to learn. Have not thought beyond that.

kaykuala said...

Dear Hal,
Wow, there you have it without much promptings. Apparently pantuns or pantoum is one of the more mysterious and difficult ones. We await Ma'am's verdict!